This moment. My sweet girl sings me ‘twinkle twinkle little star’. She nibbles on blueberries while I sip my coffee. She says ‘(te) amo’ for no reason other than because she feels like it. It’s very cold and I can see my breath, but the heat from the little outdoor ceiling heater is keeping us warm.
I’m feeling :: It’s officially December which means it’s officially holiday season which means it’s basically Christmas which means that in LESS THAN ONE MONTH all our closest friends and family will be IN SEATTLE with us. You know that feeling that you get when you drink too much coffee? And that feeling that you get when you’re super excited about something? Well I’ve been drinking waaaay too much coffee lately and I’ve been waaaaay too excited lately and so please just imagine how that must feel.
I’m reading :: Like a million books. I’m 2 chapters away from finishing The Social Animal, I’m about 1/3 of a way through Nurture Shock, I’m 2 chapters into Hell-Bent and a few paragraphs into What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. My friend also just lent me a bunch of graphic novels that I’m super keen to start.
I’m watching ::: The last few episodes of Homeland!!! And we just started checking out Modern Family which is better than I thought it would be. But we also watched Your Sister’s Sister which was awesome (I love Mark Duplass and Emily Blunt) and First Position, a documentary about kids and ballet, which was so enjoyable and just totally nuts.
I’m loving :: This little girl. Always.
Things that I find it ridiculously hard say no to even when I probably should. A list:
- another cup of coffee
- peanut butter, almond butter, sun butter
- corn chips and guacamole
- tiny things (tiny donuts, tiny chocolates, tiny pastries)
- sweet potato fries
He said he’d never seen real waves and I thought about how that would feel. And I supposed it would feel about the same as how I’ve never seen a real desert – it doesn’t really feel like anything.
But then it made me think about the beach. The black sand beach that felt like ours. The place we went when it was especially sunny or when it was especially raining. The place that I went when I was especially sad or especially happy. The place that would calm me as I ran or surfed for hours. The place that saw both Ben and Leia. The place for the longest conversations with my Dad.
It was the day after I’d finished a two day adventure race. I remember as I finished I felt on top of the world, like I could do anything. But when I woke up the next morning I had a feeling of sadness that I couldn’t place. I felt empty and lonely and it was a work day but work had given me the day off. So I did what I knew to do for these unplaceable feelings – I drove to the beach.
I took Leia and she ran her hardest. I walked behind her, the wind stinging my cheeks and the salt and sand getting caught up in my hair. The wind and the waves took my tears and the sad. Leia begged me to run with her but my body ached and so she stopped running and she sat and we watched the gannets and the waves and stared into nothingness.
And that’s all it took. I felt tiny and humbled and the sad was insignificant.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
I’d be a totally different person if it wasn’t for the waves.
I’d eaten both the avocados. I didn’t even know we had two, but Ivan must have bought another one and so in lieu of anything more nutritious I decided to just eat them both. I actually saved half of one for Mika and then I craved something else but there was nothing else to eat. The downside of having no processed foods in the house I suppose.
So when Mika woke up I gave her half the avocado and fist pumped the air because she has started gobbling avocados. We were out of diapers so I needed to go to the supermarket and I looked outside and the rain was pouring and it was dark and I looked at the clock and it was only 4:15pm. Mika got in the stroller without too much fuss and we made it out the door, raincoat on, hood zipped up, rain-cover on the stroller and boots on my feet. It was a depressing 2 miles. Not even slightly enjoyable as I walked through near shin-deep puddles pushing a screaming fussy toddler.
Trader Joe’s always brightens my spirit. I turn a blind-eye to the extreme styrofoam and plastic packaging on their vegetables because dammit I love their bright colors and happy hand-written fonts and questionably low prices. I love their free coffee with soy creamer and sometimes vegan-friendly snacks. I love the staff and the happy stickers they give Mika at the checkout. And when I forget my ID I love that they never ID me. But then it makes me mad also. Don’t I look 19 anymore? ID me dammit.
My spirit was brightened, but quickly dampened the second I finished checking out. Raincoat back on. Rain cover zipped up. Wet pants. Wet feet. Wet hair. Sweaty.
I thought about winter in Seattle and I thought about winter in Vancouver and Auckland and wondered how I managed. And I remembered that in Auckland I had a car and I had a job and things to do and I never really was affected too much by the rain and the early nightfall. And in Vancovuer I didn’t have a car but I had school and I lived with 2 of my best friends and the earlier nightfall came the sooner we could party so it didn’t really matter much at all.
But now it’s just me and Mika and no car. And the mornings are OK, but she naps from 1:30-3:30 and by 4pm it’s dark and probably raining and we still have 2-3 hours before Ivan gets home and then another hour or so before her bed time and it is tough. We don’t have a big house or plenty of toys or a television or close friends nearby.
And so I think about buying a car even though I don’t want to. And I think about moving somewhere where it’s always sunny even though that’s really not an option right now. And I think about how.the.fuck I’m going to make it through the entire winter.
And that’s my story for today.