Jan
30

My heart

Written by | 5 comments »

The other day my friend and I were chatting about life. She has just recovered from a nasty illness (totally more nasty than you are even imagining) and I had just returned from a funeral.

She was elated, joyful and high on life. She wanted to high-five the clouds and kiss the ground and dance with everyone in the street. She wanted to take deep breathes and savour the feeling of being alive. She wanted to thank her arms and her legs and her eyes and her lungs and her amazing body for doing what it does.

And there I was. Having returned from a funeral I too probably should have been high on life, but I wasn’t. I was petrified. At the funeral I saw what losing a loved one looks like. I saw painfully real emotions and sadness that I just don’t feel ready for. Every second that passes, my heart feels a little more love for Mika. I have no idea how this is possible, but it’s true. So what does that look like when Mika is 5? Or 10? Or 20? That is a lot of love.

I honestly never quite understood the saying about how when you have a kid your heart lives outside of you (or something like that). But now I totally get it. My heart is hanging out in the form of a little baby girl right now. And at the moment I’m with her most moments of every day, I can see my heart and it’s safe and happy. But I won’t be able to keep watch over it forever, and that scares me. No, wait, it terrifies me.

I feel like I’ve pushed this massive stone (a metaphor for giving birth perhaps?) and now it’s slowly gathering speed and it’s unstoppable. So naturally, my strongest desire is to stop time. Let’s put everyone in a big plastic bubble and freeze time.

Gah, I’m not stupid, I know that’s ridiculous. And I know that it should be even more motivation to seize life and enjoy each moment, like really really enjoy each moment. And to cherish relationships. And make those phone calls and write those letters. And to get excited because we are ALIVE and we are AMAZING and we are YOUNG and we are BEAUTIFUL!

Go tell someone how amazing they are to you. You never know when they might not be around. Thank your body for being so good to you – you never know when things might not be so easy.

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  • http://twitter.com/missyshana Missyshana

    Such powerful and emotional thoughts! I love this blog and very much enjoy reading about life from your guys’ perspective. Keep up the awesome work :)

    • Anonymous

      you run a vancouver breakfast blog?? where were you when i was struggling to find great breakfasts in vancouver!! :P

      • http://twitter.com/missyshana Missyshana

        Yes I do! Next time you come to Vancouver you should get in touch!

  • Ingrid

    The fear of losing a loved one is so real. It is always there for me but somehow over the years I have learnt to live with the fear and learnt to trust that when the time comes for my loved ones to pass I will either hopefully be long gone myself (going first is the best option) or that by some miracle I will have the strength to deal with pain and grief when the time comes. 
    Hugs and kisses and lots of love to the 3 of you xxxx