Lately I feel like i’m bursting with recommendations. Do this! Read this! Watch this! Eat this! So here, my friends, are a few ideas for you.
Really worth reading: This book.
Really worth eating: This soup.
Really worth watching: This movie.
Really worth doing: Getting up early and breathing in cold air and admiring how everything looks in the fog.
When you are stuck in a hole, stop digging.
It’s been a tough week. One of those weeks where I haven’t felt ‘on the right path’. Avoiding difficult conversations, reaching for a handful of chocolate chips before lunch (?!), avoiding my vegetables, comparing myself to others, critisizing myself harshly, etc etc. On top of this (or because of this?) both Mika and I came down with a miserable flu which meant that I also didn’t exercise for 3 days, but I wasn’t sick enough to not eat – rather I was the sort of sick that saw me asking Ivan to pick up Thai food on his way home cause i’m ‘too sick to cook’ and then him being extra nice and bringing me licorice allsorts for my ‘sick person treat’. WHO ARE WE?!
I sat on my mat but i didn’t flow for three days. Instead I just read my ‘meditations from the mat’ book that has pretty much been my bible for the past few months – searching for answers? I feel that as long as I continue to read and meditate and inquire, I will find my way.
And today i woke up and the sun was shining and my headache was gone. ivan left for work and mika was still sleeping and i read and meditated and decided to stop digging. it is time to start climbing. And then Mika woke up and said ‘mami, yesterday i was sick in my big girl bed and it went evvvvverywhere but today i am ALL BETTER!’ and i said ‘that’s so great! would you like to sit in your stroller so I can go for a run on this glorious fall day?’ and she said yes.
So I ran 3 miles and she chatted to me the whole way. The last time i ran with mika was probably when she was just over 1. Now it’s practically like having a running buddy, except my other running buddies and i would never have conversations like this:
‘mami why are you running?’
*huff puff* ‘exercise’
*hufffff pufffff* ‘to…feel….good’ *huff puff*
‘why are you running?’
‘why do you think?’
‘to feel good?’
‘oh. bravo mami!!!!’
heart melts. *hufff pufff*
And then we went to the zoo together and we spent a long time with the snakes and the bugs which are apparently her favourite. There were no goats out for patting but that didn’t matter cause all she really wanted to do was wash her hands anyway. did you guys know that washing hands is so much fun?
Then we grabbed a coffee together and sat in a park and mika played with our empty cups for about 45 minutes making me different flavors of tea in the sandbox. There were a group of teenage girls in the park, wearing skimpy clothing and taking group self photos in various poses and talking about the sort of crazy things that only 16 year old girls find important. Mika and I watched them for a little while and then she turned to me and said ‘tea mami?’ and handed me the cup full of sand and I almost burst into tears at how gorgeous and innocent she seemed, especially contrasted with the teenage girls in the park and my heart jumped into my throat for a moment as i realised the terrifying inevitability of time.
“The moment I fall off the moderation wagon, my mind becomes consumed by the fact that I am no longer living up to my potential. My mind fills with obsessive concern; I know all too well the ways I am self-sabotaging. My heart yearns for peace. Then I wake up one morning and find that I have made a decision. I am ready to let go of whatever it is that’s consuming me. I am ready to reestablish brahmacarya in my life. I am ready to follow my heart. I am ready to listen to the wind of my soul.” Day 38, Meditations from the Mat
“It’s not just about ‘point A and then point B’” she said, “it’s also about the journey from point A to point B.”
My yoga teacher was trying to get us to move from warrior 2 into half moon pose without pushing off our back foot. It’s actually pretty hard to get there without pushing off, but i think her point was to just pay attention to the transition, the journey, between the two poses.
Since we haven’t had a car for our entire time in Seattle, I find that I am constantly aware of transitions. When it takes 20 minutes to walk to the supermarket with a toddler, there’s no such thing as pushing off from point A to point B. If I don’t relish the journey (AKA stopping at every rose, every kitty cat, every interesting rock) then I’d be spending a lot of time stressing out.
Now that the rain has arrived in full force, we have decided to get a car. What would usually be a meandering 20 minutes each way to the supermarket will now be a 2 minute drive in the rain.
So I will try to pay attention to the adorable conversations Mika and I are starting to have. (“Owie mama!” “Oh, what happened my love?” “I hurt my finger” “Oh no!” “It’s ok mama, it happens”)
I will try to pay attention to the glorious colors that surround us right now as the leaves turn from green to bright orange, yellow and red. The transition from summer into fall is my favourite transition of them all.
Almost one year ago, stopping to enjoy the journey in a pile of leaves.
today you are two and a half (officially) and according to the theory that two and a half year olds are half of their adult height, we can now predict that you will be taller than both of us. you are 90 cms right now which means you will be nearly 5’11! so perfect.
today we had a conversation that went like this:
“mami, i’m going away”
where are you going?
“to the mountains”
to the mountains!? why?
haha, it is the funniest thing to hear you repeat our words back to us. Lately it has been “because!” with a cheeky smile and a little shoulder shrug. and then after i sort of laughed and smiled, you obviously weren’t done with the conversation:
“mami open the door por favor”
“because i’m going to the mountains!”
you’ve become the house translator. it’s incredible. your papi was in the other room and i was with you. you asked me what papi was doing and so i called out to ask him and he replied (in spanish) that he was getting changed. i relayed to you (in english) that he was getting ready (for work) and you quickly corrected me “no mami, he’s getting changed.” which pretty much blew my mind.
oh yeah, for some weird reason we decided to put you into a big girl bed. and it’s totally awesome. you love it and we love it cause we can lie down and cuddle you in the mornings and if you need us in the night and generally it’s just pretty cool. no big deal.
also you are now wearing undies when we go out and it’s no big deal. we never even potty trained you, you just know what to do and you do it like it ain’t no thing. which is so freaking awesome cause i was so not ready for the whole potty training thing and it’s like you just knew that you would need to take this into your own hands or you’d be in nappies at 5. the weird thing though, is that you still ask for a nappy so you can poop. when we put the nappy on, you literally just get up and walk to a corner, poop in your nappy and then come back and say ‘change me please!’ so we just have to figure out what to do about that.
you have pretty much stopped eating everything. what’s that about?
we have switched your rice milk to oat milk after reading some scary reports about arsenic. man oh man.
you love to run. you love to be chased. you love to dance. you love to sing. you love playdough. you love anything that makes a really big mess. you love your friends so much (most talked about at present are francesca, cecilia and stephanie!) and i’m sure if we bought a cat it would be the greatest moment in your life.
you have so much energy and you bring so much happiness and you drive us so crazy and we love you with more love than we ever knew possible.
all my love baby girl,
“The biggest problem for humanity, not only on a global level, but even for individuals, is misunderstanding.”
I tried to turn this into a mantra of sorts yesterday as I got off the phone with my landlord. Let me just give you some background to my landlord: my landlord is an asshole.
We’ve been waiting for more than 2 months for our sink to get fixed, and yesterday after being unable to drain our sink for 24 hours, the plumber showed up 2 hours (and 2 months) late. He replaced our faucet and told me that i’d need to call someone else to get the drain fixed. He gave me the name of the company to call (‘i can’t find them on the internet’ ‘oh, i think he uses a much smaller independant company perhaps?’ ‘of course he does’) and after finding a number, it turned out they were closed for the day and so the next available time wouldn’t be until the next morning.
As this is the second time our drain has blocked in the past year, our plumber asked what we put down the insinkerator. ‘Just food scraps’ i told him, ‘and coffee grinds’. ‘Definitely no coffee grinds’ he responded, and i heard my dad’s voice all through my childhood ringing in my ears. ‘Really?’ i asked. ‘Really.’ he replied, ‘just don’t put anything down there.’ BUT I THOUGHT THAT’S WHAT THE CREEPY THINGS WERE FOR? I’d never liked them (having never owned one) but when we moved in, our landlord specified ‘only organic waste in the insinkerator’ and so i guess i sorta just got used to it.
Then our landlord called. ‘I’ve never had so much trouble with a sink, what are you putting down there? I’ll foot the bill this time, but next time we’ll need to have a talk.’ I told him what i’d told the plumber, ‘just food stuff’ I told him. ‘But don’t put your chicken bones down there’ he said. ‘We don’t eat meat.’ ‘And don’t put corn cobs or avocado pits down there.’ ‘We’re not idiots.’ ‘Ok, just don’t put anything down there, cause next time you’ll have to foot the bill.’ My heart was racing a little and i wanted to yell into the phone ‘YOU TOLD US TO PUT ORGANIC FOOD WASTE IN THERE SO THAT’S WHAT WE DID!!’ but i didn’t. I told him i wouldn’t put anything down there anymore and he said ‘that’s what i want to hear’. And i took a deep breathe.
So naturally once i was off the phone I googled it and discovered that whilst we aren’t putting chicken bones or fruit stones down our sink, we HAVE been putting things that are on The List of Things you Shouldn’t Put Down your Insinkerator. The major ones being ‘potato skins’ and ‘coffee grinds’.
Guys, is this common knowledge? Cause if it is, I’ve had my head in a hole. I also guess I should have paid more attention to my general dislike of the insinkerator in the first place (so…we just push it down our drain? where does it go? duh..) and made a better effort to compost (guilty).
So here we are. My sink is fixed, I’m totally wiser (adding ‘won’t fuck up your insinkerator’ to my résumé) and I completely acknowledge that my landlord objectively is not an asshole and my reaction to the event is entirely a reflection on me. Heh, i guess there’s always work to be done.