I was in the shower. I’d just come back from my long Saturday morning run and the house was empty. Ivan and Mika were at the children’s museum with some friends and I was granted almost an entire day to myself.
So I’m enjoying the hot water running down my back and I’m suddenly aware of very peculiar feeling. I’m not sure how long I’ve been feeling like this, but this would be the first time I’ve actually acknowledged it: I no longer feel like Mika and I are one person. Obviously I don’t mean that literally, but until recently I’ve really had a hard time seeing myself as a person who’s allowed to have interests in things other than diapers and nursery rhymes. Obviously I have had an interest in other things, but it never felt quite right. Almost as though I was doing Mika an injustice by being more than just her mama.
But now it’s different. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it changed, but since Saturday I’ve become even more aware of it. I don’t feel like a stay-at-home mama. I don’t feel like a different person. I just feel like me and I now have this usually grubby but bright eyed little side-kick everywhere I go. Sometimes I find myself looking at her and watching her say things and do things and I think about how just as I am feeling more and more me, she is becoming more and more her.
This post hardly does justice to how this feels, but I wanted to get it out and remember it. 18 months. And I feel more me than I’ve felt in a long time.