If someone had told me that for FIFTY days I would average about 4 hours uninterrupted sleep each night, I would have thought it to be impossible.
But one thing is certain: time keeps moving forward and somehow we are here at 50 days.
And I know (I know) that somehow we will also end up at 1 year, at 5 years and then somehow at 18 years.
I want to keep remembering these moments, these days, these feelings. Mika’s birth has stopped playing on repeat in my mind. The smell of newborn baby long disappeared. Her jerky movements are becoming more fluid. I know that I can never get these moments back so I want to enjoy them as much as I can. I know all too well that moments are sometimes most enjoyed in hindsight – but I have been conscious of this for years and I keep trying to do all I can to really be in each moment.
Today Mika and I sat in the park. The sun was shining and the grass was still wet from the morning dew. She was wearing her bright green little hooded sweatshirt and I was wearing my dark olive green sweater. I stroked her soft dark brown hair and stared into her sweet blue eyes as she silently (for a change!) fed. I know she can’t really understand what’s going on, but one day she will. And one day she will realise that she has a mamá and a papá who love her as big as the oceans. One day she will sit facing outwards in her carrier and she will see the world with us. And one day she will tell us that she loves us too and she will explore her world and tell us about everything she discovers.
These days will come much too soon and one day we will be remembering these silent moments in the park where no words are spoken. And we will miss them. And I will wonder ‘did I enjoy them at the time? Did I live them to their fullest and savour each second?’
And this is my reminder to find what I love in every moment. Because if I don’t love the moment when I’m in it then it will only be enjoyed in hindsight and this seems like a waste of beautiful moments to me.