This weekend we relied heavily on our friends to help us get ready to move house. Definitely the best part of the weekend was not sitting in traffic in the pouring rain trying to rush around to furniture stores, but rather the 2 hours spent watching these kiddos play and eat cake and celebrate the end of charlie’s third year.
When you are stuck in a hole, stop digging.
It’s been a tough week. One of those weeks where I haven’t felt ‘on the right path’. Avoiding difficult conversations, reaching for a handful of chocolate chips before lunch (?!), avoiding my vegetables, comparing myself to others, critisizing myself harshly, etc etc. On top of this (or because of this?) both Mika and I came down with a miserable flu which meant that I also didn’t exercise for 3 days, but I wasn’t sick enough to not eat – rather I was the sort of sick that saw me asking Ivan to pick up Thai food on his way home cause i’m ‘too sick to cook’ and then him being extra nice and bringing me licorice allsorts for my ‘sick person treat’. WHO ARE WE?!
I sat on my mat but i didn’t flow for three days. Instead I just read my ‘meditations from the mat’ book that has pretty much been my bible for the past few months – searching for answers? I feel that as long as I continue to read and meditate and inquire, I will find my way.
And today i woke up and the sun was shining and my headache was gone. ivan left for work and mika was still sleeping and i read and meditated and decided to stop digging. it is time to start climbing. And then Mika woke up and said ‘mami, yesterday i was sick in my big girl bed and it went evvvvverywhere but today i am ALL BETTER!’ and i said ‘that’s so great! would you like to sit in your stroller so I can go for a run on this glorious fall day?’ and she said yes.
So I ran 3 miles and she chatted to me the whole way. The last time i ran with mika was probably when she was just over 1. Now it’s practically like having a running buddy, except my other running buddies and i would never have conversations like this:
‘mami why are you running?’
*huff puff* ‘exercise’
*hufffff pufffff* ‘to…feel….good’ *huff puff*
‘why are you running?’
‘why do you think?’
‘to feel good?’
‘oh. bravo mami!!!!’
heart melts. *hufff pufff*
And then we went to the zoo together and we spent a long time with the snakes and the bugs which are apparently her favourite. There were no goats out for patting but that didn’t matter cause all she really wanted to do was wash her hands anyway. did you guys know that washing hands is so much fun?
Then we grabbed a coffee together and sat in a park and mika played with our empty cups for about 45 minutes making me different flavors of tea in the sandbox. There were a group of teenage girls in the park, wearing skimpy clothing and taking group self photos in various poses and talking about the sort of crazy things that only 16 year old girls find important. Mika and I watched them for a little while and then she turned to me and said ‘tea mami?’ and handed me the cup full of sand and I almost burst into tears at how gorgeous and innocent she seemed, especially contrasted with the teenage girls in the park and my heart jumped into my throat for a moment as i realised the terrifying inevitability of time.
“The moment I fall off the moderation wagon, my mind becomes consumed by the fact that I am no longer living up to my potential. My mind fills with obsessive concern; I know all too well the ways I am self-sabotaging. My heart yearns for peace. Then I wake up one morning and find that I have made a decision. I am ready to let go of whatever it is that’s consuming me. I am ready to reestablish brahmacarya in my life. I am ready to follow my heart. I am ready to listen to the wind of my soul.” Day 38, Meditations from the Mat
friday night was family happy hour in the sun with friends, followed by fancy pizza and a late night bus ride home with my baby girl strapped to my chest.
saturday morning was early morning running, followed by cat feeding & plant watering and pancake eating on a friend’s balcony. we each read the new yorker and national geographic until we could barely stand the sun any longer then we made a poorly timed family visit to the zoo as all the animals seemed to be sleeping – except the snakes (mika’s favourite?!). yoga and work during nap-time, then a long walk to a BBQ in a gorgeous backyard with beautiful people.
sunday was for papa to sleep in. mika and i cuddled and danced and peed in the potty. when papa got up we walked through the farmer’s market nibbling on apricots and cherries. then i drank coconut tea and we headed home for naptime. another run and more yoga during naptime then guacamole making and showering before heading up the hill for our first taste of s’mores, toddler BFFs and new friends.
so much goodness.
adele arrived at the beginning of the week and we’ve pretty much eaten our way through all of our favourite places in Seattle. so this weekend was full of berries and mexican food and pancakes and chocolate and movies and markets and scrabble and parks and ‘i can’t believe that it’s been an entire week’ and ‘must.stop.eating’ sorts of statements.
also, mika had a bit of a stroller accident which explains her ‘moustache-like’ wound. (although i’ll admit it IS kind of hard to tell the wound from the chocolate/berries facemask combo).
next week is gonna feel a whole lot slower.
Wednesday, August 15 2012 was the last day I breastfed Mika.
For the past 16 months I’ve been careful with what I’m eating and drinking. I’ve never been away from her for more than 12 hours. But the last few months she has been having only a morning and an evening feed and the only one she really seemed to enjoy was the evening one. But last night I was out looking at some wedding dresses and the bus didn’t get me home til 9pm and so Ivan called and we talked about how maybe this was the time. He said he would get her ready for bed, give her some warm milk (non-dairy) in a bottle and put her down. It felt like a rather monumental moment to be discussing over the phone, but I said sure, and just like that I would never breastfeed her again.
I cried into my pillow and Ivan spoke true and reassuring words to me about how our baby girl will always be our baby but right now she is growing and getting stronger and more independent and we should be proud of her and happy that she is so healthy and happy.
I cried because I want her to stay my baby forever but I also cried because I feel so free and that makes me happy and sad all at once. I try to remind myself of the nights where she would be stuck on my boob and I would try to pry her off and she would cry and then I would cry because I was so over it. But all I remember is her little hands reaching up for me and the instant calm that would envelop her body as she latched on and nuzzled into me so sweetly.
Whenever I feel sad that something is over, I remind myself that every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end (thanks Semisonic) and it makes me a little sad to remember that life just keeps moving like that, but also a little happy to know that this is the start of something new.