On sacrifices

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After 6AM yoga this morning I was sitting at One2One Cafe in Ponsonby burning through the pages of my latest book obsession (Water for Elephants) as fast as I could in the short 30min I had between Yoga and work.

As I was reading I suddenly re-realized how much of a sacrifice children are, especially for the parent that stays at home. The more I think about it the more I appreciate what Pamela does for our wee little baby.

I mean sure I provide financially for the family, but I love my job, so (usually) going to work isn’t a dread at all. Sure I have good days and bad like anyone else, but I am fortunate enough to love what I do for a living.

On the other hand, Pamela put everything she loved doing on hold. Exercising went first throughout the first few months of pregnancy, then work. Then Mika came into this world and exercise slowly came back but full-time work hasn’t and it’ll be on hold for a while. And the longer she stays at home caring for our little girl, the harder it will be to get back to the working world.

(However, Pamela is one of the few people I know that won’t stop doing stuff no matter how sleep deprived she gets. So instead of full-time work, she’s managed to get started with her photography business alongside another new mama (and hair & make-up artist) Julia O’Neil.)

I can see how a sudden change like this can be scary for a new family. Especially if the communication between mama & papa is poor – both could be left feeling like they are missing out on something. It shows me what a product of love and dedication a happy family is and I feel so lucky that we are working hard to make it work. And I feel even luckier that it doesn’t feel like hard work.

Just some thoughts I had this AM.

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the birth of Mika Cruz

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This is post number 100 on our blog. Fancy that!

Our beautiful baby girl was born at 12:04am yesterday morning (March 23, 2011). She weighed 6 pounds 14 ounces and she was 49cm long. Her name (so far) is Mika Elena Cruz. We plan on adding another middle name too…

So it’s been a long time now with hardly any rest and so I don’t feel overly coherent but I wanted to get this down as quickly as I could while it is all so fresh in my mind. I am marvelling at the wonders of the human body, giving thanks to mine on a regular basis for all that is has done in the last 10 months and especially in the last 30 hours. I also find myself thanking the universe for ensuring things unravelled as they have and for the infinite sequence of events that has led us to this moment. This moment right now as I sit on my bed with Mika resting beautifully next to me. Nothing in the world matters more right now.

Here is my (possibly incoherent rambling) story of Mika’s birth.

Ivan and I had just discovered the culinary delights and european ambience of Elliot Stables. I was half way through my meal when I felt an intense tightening in my abdomen. I momentarily closed my eyes to wait for it to pass. This was first time I had ever experienced a pain like this that actually required my full attention so I was a little excited that perhaps this was a real contraction. We continued eating and I soon experienced another one of about the same intensity. I pulled out the ipod so Ivan could time them for me. After about 20 more minutes or so he pointed out that they were consistent almost to the second, lasting 30 seconds and about 2-3 minutes apart.

The drive home was bearable and we called Ruth our midwife when we got back – just to double check how intense these contractions were meant to get (both of us had forgotten the ‘rule of when to call’). She asked how long I’d been having them for, we said maybe an hour and she almost laughed when she explained I could still be in labour for another 20 hours or so and suggested we try to relax – have a bath, watch a movie, get some sleep. Secretly I couldn’t imagine this pain getting too much worse, but I told her I’d try to relax and call her when they got worse.

Ivan put on the Big Bang Theory in the living room and we moved upstairs together to watch it. I can’t remember any of the episode – my contractions quickly became about 1 – 1:30minutes long with about the same time between them. I was scared. I was scared because I had no benchmark to know if this was bad or if I was just weak and not dealing with it very well. To my surprise I found it easiest to sing through the contractions at this point – but I soon changed my mind as I worked on ways to make them more bearable. I discovered that silence, focus and complete relaxation of my mind through each contraction actually helped to ease the pain. As soon as I spoke or tensed up or got startled, I could feel the pain intensify. It felt a little unfair – to deal with the pain I had to go into the pain and really accept it and that’s when it would subside – which felt unfair because the immediate reaction is to want to cry out or tense up, which proved very counterproductive to dealing with the pain.

It was hard to get this focus and relaxation at home. Not because it was my home (I would love to have a home birth) but because we had plans to get to the birthing centre and I was just so unsure when we should go. I didn’t feel safe. My mum was trying to convince Ivan that we needed to go soon or I wouldn’t be able to get in the car and Ivan was trying to explain to Ruth over the phone that I was really in quite a lot of pain despite only having been in any pain for about 2 hours. Eventually she asked Ivan if I felt any desire to push to which I exhaled with desperation ‘yes yes I need to go poo!’ I heard Ivan say “ok, we’ll meet you there.” and hang up the phone. He turned to me and my mum and said ‘we’re leaving now, she’ll meet us there in 15.’

Mum suggested we get our ‘hospital’ bag and that she’d drive so Ivan could sit with me. Ivan explained we didn’t have a bag ready. What kind of prepared parents don’t have a bag ready at 41 weeks pregnant?? Unprepared ones. Ivan and I had decided the less prepared we were the more likely she’d be to arrive. (Murphy’s Law and all that, right?)

So Ivan did a sweep of our room grabbing a bunch of important looking stuff and Mum called out to Dad that we’d meet him at Birth Care in a little while.

The car ride was OK. I was a little tense but knowing we were on our way helped me to stay calm. We’re only a 4 minute drive from Birth Care but I swear the one light Mum had to stop at lasted for about 20 minutes.

At the Birth Care entrance I rang the little intercom thing and demanded ‘can i come up please?’ I was a little frustrated at the whole locked door thing. She asked who I was and all I needed to say was ‘Pamela’ and she let me through to level 1. On level 1 we were greeted by a lady holding doors open for me who also said ‘ruth is on her way, come with me I’m preparing your room.’

I had to sit for a moment for a contraction and I felt a warm liquid between my legs soak through my pants. As soon as I entered the birthing room I whipped them off and noticed I was covered in blood. I looked up at the lady “is this normal?” i demanded. She confirmed that it was. I paced the room between contractions and sat on the end of the bed quietly during them. The birthing pool was filling up fast and it looked amazing, but the lady said I needed to wait for Ruth before I got in. She also mentioned that my labour was progressing quite quickly based on the time between contractions. I didn’t really care what she thought I just wanted Ruth to arrive. Ruth arrived and asked me to lie down so she could check how far along I was. This meant lying on my back which was the last thing I felt like doing but she promised it would be quick. The possibility that she’d tell me I was only 1cm dilated or something popped into my head and I was about to contest the whole ‘checking me’ thing for fear that it would disappoint me when she quickly exclaimed ‘Oh, there’s the head – you’re having this baby in the next couple hours’. Sweet jesus. I was so relieved and that relief turned quickly into an overwhelming desire to push. I asked Ruth if I could push and she casually said ‘sure, if you feel like it’. So I gave in to the feeling for the next few contractions. Then I got a little flustered with my positioning. How could I feel best and push? Ruth put the back of the bed up to a 90 degree angle and suggested I kneel on the bed with my arms draped over the head part. This is how I stayed for the rest of labour.

Before long Ruth said she could see the head. I don’t have a very detailed account of this part but I know I pushed for about an hour. I know that it hurt like crazy but hearing that the head was visible helped me to focus. I felt her entire journey. During every contraction I managed about 3 of the most intense pushes of my life. The more it hurt, the more I knew I was achieving so I pushed with everything I had. I could feel her traveling down as I pushed. But between each contraction I could feel her head slide back inside me. It was so tiring – Ivan told me (afterwards) that I had looked like a boxer because I was sweating like crazy with a wet towel around my neck. My mum was amazing too. Ivan and her had a little towel-cooling system where Ivan would pass her a towel and she’d cool it with cold water and then he’d place it on my back and neck and then repeat.

Suddenly Ruth told me I’d be having this baby before midnight. I glanced at the clock near my head. It was 11:45pm. Nothing could stop this child being born. A few more contractions and the most intense burning pain in my life (it felt like my pee-hole was being torn) and I felt a rush of liquid and sudden relief as the head popped out and then crying! So much crying! She sounded like a little duck and was making gurgling crying sounds. I wanted to keep pushing but Ruth told me sternly to keep still and not push. It felt like eternity before the next contraction and I felt Ruth slowly guiding her legs out. “Pam, reach down and see what you have here.” Ruth passed her through my legs into my arms and I pulled her up to my chest, “we have a baby girl!” and she was perfect. The most beautiful head of black hair. The perfect shaped head. Little wide-open eyes and pouty little perfect lips. The most beautifully designed creation. A little bit of me and a little bit of Ivan.

And I needed no stitches and I again marvelled at the ability of the human body. I was helped to the shower and Ruth brought me toast and hot chocolate.

And then my Dad came in and she met her Grandpa for the first time. My heart ached. And then she was cleaned and dressed and Ivan held her and my heart ached.

And now we are a little family. Pamela, Ivan and Mika. And I have never, ever felt so grateful for life.



running out of womb

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(Sorry about the title).

Whilst I think ultrasounds are a little creepy (just wait for it to come out, no?) we just got another scan to check the growth and fluid and all and we managed to catch a clear shot of baby having a good yawn.  Can’t be too much fun in there.. time to come out I say!  But yes, all things are well.  Fluid and growth and everything seems fine.  It must just be kinda cosy.

<!– Update by Ivan  –!>

I couldn’t stop smiling when I saw the little baby yawning… It looked plain beautiful..

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6 days overdue

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Beautiful Tess arrived on Tuesday and she has decided that our baby will call her ‘Fairy Godmother Tess’ because it gives her an excuse to dress up in fairy dresses and grow rotund in her old age.  Inevitably our child will love her almost as much as we do.

I’m now officially overdue by 6 days and even though emails and phones and text messages arrive daily with ‘has baby arrived yet?’, I am feeling surprisingly calm and relaxed about the whole thing.  My midwife is currently out of town (at a music festival) and will be gone until Monday afternoon.  Thankfully she left me in good hands with a backup midwife called ‘Moon’ (“don’t worry, her parents were hippies“) and if baby arrives today it will be born on a full moon, with a name meaning ‘moon’ (if it’s a girl) and delivered by a woman called Moon.  So cool.

So hopefully our little baby enters the world today.

Since Tess arrived we have:

Tess also surprised us with a beautiful baby blanket (that she crocheted) and the most adorable finger puppets (that she made herself).  I’ll take pictures soon.

Here are our sweet cupcakes that filled the fridge:

And here are some snaps from a fun evening at the beach

And we’re still just chilling… waiting… finishing our best seller and constructing our world map.



the next two weeks

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sweet child of ours,

today is the day that we have been expecting you.  but today we awoke like it was any other day.  i slept in the spare bed so i could get a better rest in preparation for your arrival, which we understand could be anytime in the next 14 days.  14 days!! that is a very long time to wait for you.  i imagine it will be like telling you that there are 14 days left until christmas… those 14 days will crawl by.

today crept by like any other and you have not arrived yet.  and if i’m supposed to ‘feel’ something different before you arrive… i haven’t felt anything yet. so perhaps you are still a few days away.

your aunty tess arrives tomorrow, so maybe you are just waiting for that?

either way – your papa and i are so excited for your arrival and we have everything ready & waiting.

see you sometime in the next two weeks!

all our love